Fractured Fairy Tales
by Candyland
Summary: [CHAPTER 4--Cinderella] The FY characters are putting on a show! See your favorite fairy tales get twisted almost beyond recognition through fire, chaos, and Magical Puberty Fairies.
1. Little Red Riding Hood

**AN: **This is a prime example of a "Candy-chan didn't get enough sleep" fic. I love 'em, but they usually end up very weird. I wrote this in the middle of the night while hopped up on some Mountain Dew. So I'll blame the Mt. Dew…yeah, that's it. It's the pop's fault!

I don't own Fushigi Yuugi—Watase-sensei claims that honor. I'm just borrowing the characters for this little romp through the insanity patch. Oh yeah, and the rating is for Tasuki's mouth. Enjoy!

**IMPORTANT: **Due to 's [censored] ruling about script-format fics, I've gone through and typed this out in a story-formatted fic. I am quite fond of my fairy tales, and wish for them to remain on the site. I think it was better the way it was before, but the powers that be (sarcasm) have decreed that we are allowed to be totally creative—as long as our creativity fits into their little mold of what is permissible. What a load of crap. I have spoke…now, to the newly formatted fic.

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**Little Red Riding Hood**

The lights were dim in the theatre. A few dozen characters of varying animes were in the audience seats, chatting quietly among themselves and rustling programs and the like. The stage at the front of the room was hidden behind a dark red curtain.

Suddenly, a spotlight clicked on, shining a bright circle of light onto a podium standing on one side of the stage. A moment later, Chiriko walked out, wearing his usual style of clothing. He carried a very thick book under one arm. He strolled to the podium and set the book on it; he flipped a few pages before turning his attention to the audience, giving them a charming smile.

There are a few screams in the audience from random fangirls.

"Good evening" Chiriko said, bowing politely. "As many of you know, my name is Chiriko, and I am a member of the Suzaku Seven. We Celestial Warriors are delighted to present a play for your enjoyment this evening. The play is Little Red Riding Hood, and will be staring our own Miaka, Suzaku no Miko, as the title character, and the very remarkable Tamahome as the heroic woodcutter, who—"

The sentence then trailed off as a hand that looked remarkable like Mitsukake's reached out from behind the curtain and handed a small piece of paper to the diminuitive seishi. Chiriko took the note, opened it and read it, then refolded it and stuck it in his pocket.

"It seems," Chiriko said cheerfully, "that there has been a change of plans. I've just been notified that Miaka and Tamahome decided to elope to someplace called…I-o-wa. Something about Miaka being hungry for some corn on the cob. So I do apologize for any inconvenience. The show will continue with our understudies filling in for the appropriate characters. Now, without further ado, let us begin the show!"

The sound of polite applause echoed from the audience.

"…or I could explain, through simple quantum physics, how a person could easily achieve immortality by using six tons of raisin bran, five porcupines, a little wire, some burnt toast, and a pair of pre-chilled ice tongs!" Chiriko finished triumphantly.

Crickets chirped in the audience.

Chiriko looked faintly embarassed, and cleared his throat. "On with the show, then?"

The curtain opened to reveal several pieces of wood propped up around the stage. They were uncut, unpainted—just plain pieces of plywood. Each one was labelled: House, Tree, Bush, and even one marked Squirrel, nailed to the top of the Tree one.

"As you can see, set design was not exactly a priority," Chiriko commented before turning his eyes to the book on the podium. "Once upon a time, there was a woman."

Nuriko emerged from behind the piece of wood marked House. "Hi, I'm a woman. Sort of."

"And the woman had a daughter," Chiriko continued. "This daughter was a beautiful, kind girl who always wore a red hood and cape. She was never seen without it. She loved it so much, in fact, that everyone always called her Little Red Riding Hood."

Everyone waited eagerly. Nothing happened.

Nuriko turned and hissed to someone off stage. "Psst! Where's Red Riding Hood?!?"

Mitsukake's voice was then heard whispering back from behind the curtain. "Sorry. We're having a little problem with the understudy." From backstage was heard the sound of a scuffle and some yelling. But finally, the star emerged.

"I hate you all. I hate you all so fuckin' much."

Tasuki came out onto the stage wearing a frilly blue dress, white knee-high socks, black Mary JAnes, and, of course, the infamous red cape. His face was the same vibrant crimson color as the cape.

There was a brief pause in the action as the audience and narrator got themselves back under control—a considerable undertaking. There were jeers and catcalls from some of the male audience members, as well.

Chiriko wiped away tears of laughter. "You look lovely, Tasuki-san. Maybe we should change the title of the play to Little Red Riding _Fang_!"

A vein began pounding in the bandit's foreheaed. Tasuki growled, and said, "[the contents of this speech have been censored due to 's ban on any and all NC-17 content] head!"

The narrator was seemingly unaffected. "I'll ignore that," Chiriko said. "So one day, the woman told her daughter to take her sick grandmother a basket of fresh homemade cookies."

Nuriko handed a white basket to Tasuki. "Here. Take your sick grandmother this basket of fresh homemade cookies. And make sure you stay on the path and don't talk to strangers, or else bad things will happen, and you'll be completely doomed. Okay?"

"Yes, MOTHER!" Tasuki said in a high-pitched voice.

Nuriko snickered.

"Oh, shut up."

"And so Little Red Riding Hood…er, Fang," Chiriko giggled, "went skipping merrily through the forest on the way to Grandmother's house."

"La dee daaa…" Tasuki sang, his face going red again. "I'm going to kill somebody…"

"Suddenly, Red Riding Hood met…a wolf!"

Hotohori's voice came from behind the piece of wood marked Rock. "Do I have to?"

"Do it!" Chiriko hissed.

"Oh, all right!" Hotohori stepped from behind the 'set.' "Rar, I'm a wolf!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!"

Outside the theatre, windows shattered, fire hydrants exploded, babies started crying, dogs keeled over and died, and people threw open their doors and what was left of their windows and asked what the hell happened. Inside the theatre, the audience was flattened against the backs of their chairs.

Tasuki stood center-stage; he alone was unaffected by his outburst. "…was that too much?"

Chichiri's voice drifted from backstage. "Great…now I'm half-blind AND deaf, no da…"

Mitsukake tiptoed out onto the stage and peeled Hotohori off the back wall.

Chiriko was rubbing his ears in pain. "Tasuki-san, could you maybe tone it down a little bit?"

Hotohori walks back to the middle of the stage. Once there, he stops and pulls out a mirror; he then proceeds to check his hair before returning the mirror to whatever Astral Pocket it crawled out of before resuming the scene. "Hello, little girl!"

Tasuki blinked. "Okay, that's REALLY creepy."

"You should go pick some flowers for your Granny. I know she'd really like them."

"Anything to get me off this goddamn stage!" Tasuki roared, dashing off the stage.

Hotohori beamed; his teeth sparkled in the spotlight. "Yay! Now to go find Granny."

"So the Big Bad Wolf went ahead to Grandmother's house while Little Red Riding Fang completely ignored his…er, her mother's warning not to go off the path or talk to strangers," Chiriko, keeping with his role as narrator, continued his commentary. "So now we go to Grandmother's house, where poor Granny was ill."

Hotohori walked past a piece of wood marked Door. "Hello, Gran—HOLY HELL!"

Taitsukun turned a glare on the young emperor. "Shut up."

"Errr…well, um…okay…" Hotohori muttered. "This is going to give me indigestion…"

"You are so dead."

Chiriko sighed. "After the play, okay?"

The curtain closed, and from behind it, there were many loud crashing noises, coupled with lots of yelling and several very girly, very high-pitched shrieks (all of which sounded suspiciously like Hotohori).

"Let go of my hair!"

"Talk about my face, will you?!?"

Finally, the curtain reopens, and Hotohori is now seen wearing Taitsukun's outfit, sitting on the piece of wood marked Bed. "This is so degrading…"

Chiriko ignored the commentary and went on. "By this time, Little Red Riding Fang had arrived at Grandmother's house, having picked some nice flowers to give her sick Granny."

Tasuki walked back onstage, holding a bouquet as big as his head. "I said it before, and I'll say it again. I hate you all. I hate you so FUCKIN' much."

Once again, Chichiri's voice came cheerily from backstage. "We love you too, no da!"

Tasuki rounded. "Shut up, Buddha Boy!"

"Buddha Boy, no da?!?"

"ANYWAY!" Chiriko yelped to get everyone's attention. "Red Riding Hood went inside the house to see Granny."

Tasuki walked past the piece of wood marked Door and stared at the Grandmother. "You have GOT to be kidding me!"

Hotohori stuck his nose in the air. "You're just jealous of my talent."

"Ummm…yeah. Sure," Tasuki cleared his throat and went on with the scene in a high-pitched voice. "Why, Grandmother, what big ears you have!"

Hotohori gave him a look like a wounded cat. "How dare you! My ears are perfect!"

"And Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"

"RAR! INDIGNATION!"

And Grandmother, what big teeth you have!" Tasuki threw the bouquet in the air, sending a lovely shower of flowers everywhere. "Okay, who wrote this fuckin' script?!?"

Hotohori turned to Chiriko. "Do I have to?"

The narrator nodded.

"Okay, okay…" Hotohori cleared his throat. "All the better to eat you with, my dear!"

"Hey, I'm not your dear—ACK! GET THE HELL OFF ME!"

Chiriko took over. "Meanwhile, while that interesting bit of carnage was going on, a woodcutter happened to be passing by."

The spotlight then focused in on Chichiri, who was standing in the middle of the stage, looking around in blissful cluelessness. He was adorable, and everyone wanted to hug him. (AN: Nope, no character bias here… [looks innocent])

Chiriko called over, "Hey, Chichiri-san! You're on! The Woodcutter, remember?"

The monk grinned. "Oh yeah, no da!" He raised two fingers, and in a poof of magic, he had changed himself into a burly, blue-haired woodcutter, complete with red and black flannel shirt, chin stubble, and an axe slung over one shoulder. Chichiri looked around, then started singing, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay…"

Everyone else in the theatre screamed, "NO!!!!!!"

Chichiri jumped a mile, and dove behind the nearest piece of 'scenery.' "EEP, no da!!!"

Chiriko sighed and shook his head. "Well, now I'll have something to tell my therapist. Anyway, the woodcutter heard the commotion." The audience was then treated to hearing Tasuki swearing like a sailor and Hotohori screaming like a little girl. "So he decided to investigate."

"I think I'll investigate, no da!"

"He went to the Grandmother's house, where he then saw the most terrible sight of his life!"

Everyone gasped at the sheer terror.

Click. "And here's me and Houki standing in front of the active volcano…" Click. "And here's me and Houki running in terror as the volcano erupts…" Click. "And there's Boushin waving at the camera…"

Tasuki, meanwhile, was tied up on the floor. His eyes were vacant and glazed, and he was twitching severely; a thin trail of drool ran down his chin as he muttered nonsense to himself.

Chiriko sweatdropped. "Ano…Hotohori-sama, I don't think they meant your vacation slides."

Hotohori looked mortally affronted. "But…it's me! Who wouldn't want to watch me?!?"

Tasuki managed to pull one trembling hand free of its bonds and raise it slowly into the air.

The emperor looked pissed off. "You have no appreciation for my beauty."

"Riiiight…" Chiriko muttered. "But it says that this is where you cut open the Wolf and rescue the Grandmother!" Everyone stared at the stage expectantly.

"WHAT?!?" Hotohori looked at the axe in Chichiri's hands and drew his sword. "Oh, hell, no!"

Chaos ensued.

Taitsukun floated over to Chiriko to watch. "This is so humiliating."

In the struggle, the slide machine was destroyed.

Hotohori began glowing bright red. "WHAT?!? Destroy MY vacation slides?!? DIE!!!!!"

Further chaos ensued, and we once again hear grown men screaming like little girls.

Meanwhile, unnoticed by everyone, Tasuki slowly regained his sanity and freed himself. Standing up, he pulled off the dress and cape, revealing that underneath it he was wearing his favorite black trenchcoat-style thing. He then drew his favorite weapon, and used it. "REKKA SHINEN!!!!"

In mere seconds, the entire room was barbecued.

Chiriko, the only room in the whole room not deep fried, closed the book and tucked it neatly back under his arm. "And so everyone was rescued. And they all lived happily ever after. The end."

Tasuki, meanwhile, walks over and grabs a Cajun-blackened Chichiri. He dragged the semi-comatose monk off to one side and said, "This was, without a doubt, the most fuckin' humiliating thing I have ever been through in my life!" He pointed at himself. "Do you how seriously not drunk I am? Fix it! Fix it now!" And he dragged Chichiri off for the nearest bar.

Mitsukake then ran out onto the stage. He took one look at the scene before him, and put his face in his hands at the amount of healing that lay ahead of him.

Chiriko smiled and bowed to the audience. "And that concludes our show. We sincerely hoped you enjoyed it." He turned and left the stage, taking the book with him. The curtain closed.

The French-fried audience stared blankly, the whites of their blinking eyes standing out vividly against the blackness of the rest of them.

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**AN: **I liked this better in script format…but this came out okay. And everyone really should contact about this ban on script formatted things. It's really stupid, if you ask me. I've still got the original script version of this story, so if enough people complain and the rule gets changed, I might just change it back.

Now I get to go redo The Ugly Duckling. Later, all!


	2. The Ugly Duckling

**AN: **I swear, the best inspiration a person can have is real life. I'm working as a counselor at a music camp at my college, and one night, we had Skit Night. Everyone was put into groups, and we put on a skit based on a fairy tale or a children's story. My group did Goldilocks and the Three Bears—Ghetto style. It was definitely the most interesting thing I've ever seen (as a counselor, I just got to watch and laugh).

My buddie **VixieAngel**, though, did The Ugly Duckling for their skit, and I begged her to let me write a fic based on it. I'd just finished one Fractured Fairy Tale, so why not go ahead and do another? And I promise, you'll see why this won the award for Best Skit. I don't own the Ugly Duckling story, and I don't FY.

See the first chapter to see why I redid these, and why I'm not happy about it, either.

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**The Ugly Duckling**

As before, the audience was milling around, talking amidst themselves. Somewhere in the crowd, a baby cried, and there was a perpetual rustling of fabric and paper. They fell still and silent as the curtain rose and the lights on stage came up.

A spotlight focused on the formidable form of Mitsukake as he walked to the podium and set a thick book on it, already open to a page. "Good evening. Tonight, we wish to present to you a heartbreaking tale of teenaged woes and high school anxiety, in our production of the classic story, The Ugly Duckling. And for our story, we would like to bring in a very special person to play our leading man."

There was a poof of smoke, and when it evaporated, they all saw their star.

Tamahome's fourteen-year-old self had appeared on stage, looking around in confusion. Everyone was fairly amused to discover that in his slightly younger years, Tamahome was very gangly, and had a penchant for tripping over his own two feet. Everyone also realizes that he wasn't always that good-looking

Mitsukake looked quite satisfied. "Now, we can begin our story." He cleared his throat. "Once upon a time, there was a kid named Tamahome. He was a nice guy, but he had a problem. He was incredibly awkward, and had a tendency to be very shy. Especially around girls."

Yui and Soi walked across the stage together. Tamahome's younger self suddenly went catatonic.

Mitsukake chuckled.** "**Unfortunately, this shyness soon spread to affect other areas of his life. People began to make fun of him, and life generally was quite unpleasant for the young man." The Seiryuu Seven, minus Soi, ran out onto the stage in a line. Each smacked young Tamahome on the back of the head as they passed by, except for Tomo, who hit him somewhere a little lower.

Various fangirls in the audience went on the rampage.

"It was especially difficult on him when he met the girl of his dreams."

Miaka walked onto the stage and flashed a big smile. "Hello. I am the girl of your dreams."

Young Tamahome's eyes turned into little hearts, and he was suddenly surrounded by little floating hearts, and bluebirds, cheerfully singing songs of love around him. "Sweet Suzaku!"

Mitsukake sighed. "Unfortunately, he was too shy, and couldn't get up the nerve to talk to her."

The hearts around Young Tamahome all popped like balloons, and the birdies disappeared—much to the disappointment of Chichiri, who was backstage using his staff to try and catch one of them.

"In short, he was just an ugly duckling."

Young Tamahome wailed, "I'm so awkward!"

The audience all chorused together in a big, "AWWWW!!!" Most of them wanted to hug him.

"Things came to a head one day at school, during choir class," Mitsukake went on.

Suboshi strolled out, wearing a pair of thick glasses he'd donned to give the illusion of intelligence. "All right, class. Today, we're going to be auditioning for the big solo in the upcoming show. This is very important, so we need someone professional to do it."

Someone snored loudly.

"Don't make me get the Meteor Balls!" he snarled.

The entire class was suddenly very much awake, and very much afraid.

"So who wants to do the solo? Anyone at all?" he asked. Young Tamahome reluctantly raised his hand. "Wonderful! Now, stand up and sing it for us! Remember, this solo is the most important part of the show. Show us what you can do!"

Young Tamahome walks to center stage, clears his throat, and begins to sing the big, important solo. "Mary had a little lamb…"

It was at this point that everyone realized something important: at the age of fourteen, Tamahome had not yet grown into his voice. It was still changing. All those in the audience with even the most remote sense of pitch cringed in pain.

The tone-deaf audience members, however, cheered. "He's fantastic! Encore! Encore!"

Suboshi jumped up. "Stop, stop, stop! What do you think you're doing?!?" He turned to the girls in the class. "Would you please show him how to do this right, ladies?"

Yui, Soi, and Houki stood up, looked at each other, and began, "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as…" they paused, "…snow! All three giggled.

Vindicated, Mr. Suboshi pointed at the three girls. "There! See? That's how it's supposed to be done, Tamahome. Go to detention! Now where's my prune juice?"

The entire audience face-faulted and sweatdropped while Suboshi went and gathered the Meteor Balls and left the stage to hunt down whoever wrote this damn script. On a little college campus somewhere in Middle-of-Nowhere, USA, a young author suddenly became very afraid for her life.

Mitsukake continued narrating. "And so poor Tamahome was sent to detention."

Young Tamahome looked absolutely miserable. He peered out at the audience, through big puppy dog eyes, and sniffled with just the right amount of gusto. And the audience couldn't take it anymore.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"

Young Tamahome looked out at them, the very picture of pity, and said… "THIS SUCKS!!" He sat down and put his chin in his hands. "I really wish I was different…"

Suddenly, Chiriko and Tasuki came running out holding a large piece of green fabric, which they held in front of Young Tamahome, hiding him from the view of the audience. Nuriko and Hotohori also came dashing out; they began dancing in front of the fabric.

"Do the hustle!" Nuriko shook his nether-regions.

Hotohori, not one to be outdone, joined in.** "**I'm the man with the four-way hips!"

The audience was, once again, extremely disturbed. This feeling was actually tripled when they realized that Tasuki, Chiriko, Nuriko, and Hotohori were all wearing pink tutus over their normal clothes.

Chichiri pranced out to the front of the stage, also wearing a tutu and his trademark smile. He then announced proudly to the audience, "We are the Magical Puberty Fairies, no da!"

Everyone then pranced around daintily for a while before they all scampered offstage, taking the cloth with them. As the green curtain was pulled away, the Tamahome we all know and love was revealed.

Tamahome smiled.

The fangirls went crazy.

Miaka entered.

Tamahome looked at her.** "**Hello."

He then ripped his shirt off.

Every female in the audience died of joy.

Miaka looked back at him and his rippling pectorals. "I love you."

Mitsukake smiled.** "**And they lived happily ever, thanks to…the Magical Puberty Fairies, I guess."

Tasuki and Nuriko came back out from the wings, dragging Chiriko to the middle of the stage.

"Okay, kid, your turn," Tasuki announced, dropping the youngest seishi onto the floor. The Magical Puberty Fairies then did some sort of bizarre tribal dance around Chiriko. Actually, it wasn't that bizarre, really. However, it descended well into the realm of bizarre-ness when Hotohori and Tasuki goaded each other into a Macarena contest.

Mitsukake watched impassively for a moment before shrugging. "…okay then." He bowed to the audience. "We hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you very much, and good night." He leaves.

The audience then fled the theatre.

Meanwhile, on stage, the fairies moved away to reveal that Chiriko had been transformed. And he looked an awful lot like Johnny Depp. He was then chased by Soi, Yui, and Hotohori, who wished to kill Chiriko for daring to be that good looking.

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**AN: **It's all about the Magical Puberty Fairies, ya know? I hope you enjoyed this messed-up story. I think next will probably be Snow White, as suggested by a reviewer. Of course, as we all know, there's not a chance in the world it'll be your average story. Hope you'll check bac kin then. Thanks for reading, double thanks for reviewing, and **suggestions are always welcome! **Laters!


	3. Snow White

AN: Whee! Thanks for all the oh-so-encouraging reviews, everybody! And now, I give you Snow White, as requested by

Hope everyone enjoys this! Mild shounen-ai warning for this chappie, nothing totally over the top or out there. I don't own Fushigi Yuugi or Snow White. I'm a poor college student. Pity me. :cries:

**Snow White**

It was the usual audience and the usual stage, hidden behind the usual curtain. The lights were at their usual level of dimness, and there were the usual noises of papers rustling and the like. It was just another day at the Fushigi Yuugi Theatre.

When the curtain rose, as usual, the audience burst into the usual polite applause.

Applause which froze instantly-in a slightly more unusual way-when Nakago, of all people, walked across the stage to the usual podium and set the usual book on it. He glared out at the audience before clearing his throat and beginning.

"Good afternoon," he intoned, looking relatively bored. "I guess I'm the narrator this time around. So pay attention. Our show today will be Snow White. Enjoy it, or else." The audience was suddenly very afraid. "Once upon a time-what kind of an opening is that? Okay…once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She was called Snow White."

Nuriko skipped out onto the stage, wearing a dress and tiara. He waved.

Nakago rolled his eyes. "This princess was so beautiful that her stepmother, the Queen, became jealous." Yui was then seen lurking in the background shadows. Everyone knew she was evil because she had developed shifty eyes. "This is because the Queen was evil. Heh, my kinda woman…anyway!" He hurried on when he realized just who the Queen was. "One day, the Queen went to her Magic Mirror, and asked it the same question she asked it every single day."

Yui stared at the mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the hottest babe of them all?"

"Now, usually the Mirror would respond that the Queen was. But today…" Nakago narrated.

Ashitare's face stared back from the mirror, and replied, "Rar rar rar rar raaaaaaaar!"

Yui stared blankly, then turned to her seishi. "Psst! Translation, please?"

Nakago looked down at his book. "It says that he said, 'Well, there is this…um, girl…'"

Yui's eyes narrowed. "Can I borrow your whip?" The Spirit of the Mirror suddenly vanished, and Yui went on. "So, the Princess is hotter than me? How dare she!! Wait, I know what to do!"

"So the Queen ordered the Woodsman to take the Princess out into the woods and kill her, so the Queen would be the hottest babe in the land," Nakago continued; his voice sounded strained at the idea of referring to the Seiryu no Miko as 'the hottest babe in the land.'

Nuriko skipped out onto the stage, singing loudly. Fortunately, no windows were hurt during this impromptu performance. However, the happiness was short lived, as the Woodsman apparently didn't like that particular song.

Chichiri sighed. "Why do I always get stuck playing the Woodcutter, no da?" Nobody answered, so he shrugged. "Oh well." He raised his staff and brought it down as hard as he could on Snow White's head. Snow White fell to the ground, unconscious. "That's done, no da!"

Nakago looked down at the book, and back at Chichiri. "Chichiri, you weren't actually supposed to do that. You were supposed to tell Snow White to run away, then go back and lie to the Queen."

Chichiri looked down at the prone figure at his feet, and shrugged. "Whoops, no da!" Then he went chibi and bounced off the stage, leaving Snow White on the floor.

The narrator sighed, and turned to the audience. "Is there a Prince in the house? I repeat, is there a Prince in the house who can maybe remedy this little situation? We would appreciate it greatly."

"I'm a Prince!" a hand shot up. "At least, I'm supposed to play one!"

Nakago cringed. He knew that voice.

Sure enough, Tomo—wearing some sort of royal-looking clothing and a crown stuck on over his enormous feather…thing—stood up and began crawling over people to get to the aisle. "Excuse me, excuse me—well, hello, big boy! Come find me after the show!" He paused to wink at somebody with orange hair and red eyes. Kyou Sohma, of Fruits Basket fame, went extremely pale (AN: Come on, you didn't really think it was Tasuki, did you? For shame!) He then continued on his way, finally tumbling into the aisle and prancing up onto the stage. "I am here, people!"

Nakago looked faintly disgusted, but simply said, "What exactly is your character's name?"

Tomo flipped his long feather-thing over his shoulder and said, "I am Prince Enflamo, silly! So who am I supposed to kiss?" He shot a sidelong glance at Nakago, and smirked. "Please be you…"

Nakago actually flinched, but pointed to the comatose princess, and said, "Snow White."

Tomo…er, Prince Enflamo whirled and took a good look at the appointed person. Then he turned back and looked at Nakago with his nose wrinkled up, and said, "Uh-uh, nooooo way!"

"But you have to!" Nakago protested. He wasn't used to people arguing with him. "If the Princess doesn't wake up, we don't have a story, and with no story, this play goes all to pieces! Now do it, dammit!"

"No!" Tomo crossed his arms and stomped one foot angrily, like a child having a temper tantrum. "For one thing, that kid's got all the wrong equipment, for sure! Not happening, honey!"

"Uhhh…To—Prince Enflamo?" Nakago felt compelled to point out, "Nuriko's a man."

"The character's a female. No way, Jose!" he smiled. "But you, on the other hand, macho man…"

Nakago stammered, "M-maybe we should talk about this after the show?" To accent his point, the symbol flared on his forehead, sending the overly touchy-feely Prince flying back into his seat in the audience. "Well…there's no Prince as yet…maybe the dwarves could help! Bring out the Seven Dwarves!"

There was some shuffling backstage.

"Okay, first came…Slappy?" Nakago held the book up at arm's length. "Yes, apparently there was a dwarf named Slappy. Slappy happened upon the unconscious princess." Chiriko walked out and looked down at Nuriko. "So Slappy tried to wake Snow White up by…umm…slapping her?"

Chiriko obeyed, and began slapping Nuriko's face. Not surprisingly, it didn't work.

"Not surprisingly, it didn't work. So then came…Smelly? What the hell?"

"You think you've got it bad?" Miboshi floated on stage, bringing with him an extremely unpleasant odor; his little spinny-deal was clutched possessively in one hand. "I have to actually play the damn character!"

"You win—" the words were cut off as Nakago choked on the smell. "Smelly…tried to wake…wake up Snow White by…ack…help…" The cloud of stink was too overpowering even for the mighty seishi, and he slumped over the podium and fell to the floor.

Chichiri bounded out, performed a little magic spell, and an industrial fan appeared on stage. It began blowing the smell back into the wings, away from the now semi-conscious narrator. Then Mitsukake reached out; there was a red glow around his hand, and a moment later, Nakago was revived. He stood up, straightened his armor, and retook his place at the podium.

"Since neither of these approaches worked—which shouldn't surprise anyone with more than two brain cells," Nakago sighed, "the next two dwarves happened along, and were given a chance to help the unconscious Princess. These two were called Topsy and Turvy."

Amiboshi and Suboshi staggered out onto the stage. They were weaving, and occasionally just rammed into each other, then burst into fits of laughter, and resumed this odd behavior.

Nakago shook his head. "Topsy and Turvy both had slight problems with binge drinking, and because of this, they were often quite drunk. But anyway, they decided to try and help the Princess."

Amiboshi looked down at the prone form on the ground…and burst into tears. "Ohmigod, she's dead! She's dead! That's so terrible! Ohmigod…" He spiralled downwards into uncontrollable sobbing.

Suboshi hiccuped, then tripped over his own two feet and fell over.

"Hey…you fell down…haha…" Amiboshi actually _giggled_, then started crying again. "She's dead, she's dead, she's dead! Why, God, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

The narrator sighed. "It then followed that the two drunk idiots were forced to join Alcoholics Anonymous, and they were never seen again. So since they proved inept—which surprised no one, I'm sure—dwarf number five came along. This dwarf was named…Piggy."

Miaka stormed out. "I'm going to kill someone." She then took a bite of the candy bar she was holding. "Yup, somebody's dying for this. I'll have Tamahome kill whoever wrote this."

The terrified author went into the Witness Protection Program.

"Okay, so Nuriko—um, Snow White is unconscious," Miaka sighed; she obviously had no interest in playing this role. "Ummm…here, have a candy bar!" There was no response, and Suzaku no Miko shrugged. "Oh well, more chocolate for me!" She left the stage in a hurry, and the audience was left wondering what had just happened.

"And then the next dwarf got a shot at it…errrr…" the blonde seishi sighed; he seemed to be doing that a lot. "Actually, Tasuki was supposed to be the sixth dwarf, but he came down with a bad case of the flu. So they simply named his character Barfy and declared that was not to appear."

A horrible wretching sound came from backstage. Everyone winced.

"…so the last dwarf was given a chance," Nakago continued. "And that dwarf's name was…Gir?"

On the cue, a little robot came running out, holding a little rubber piggy in one hand, and a taco in the other. It darted to the center of the stage and looked down at Nuriko for all of two seconds. Then he turned to the audience. "I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now! Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, dooooooom…" And without doing anything else, he skipped offstage, still singing the Doom Song.

Everyone stared blankly. Several females squealed in delight.

Finally, Nakago went on. "Ummm…okay, is there a real prince around here? Anyone? Anyone at all? Okay, it doesn't even have to be a Prince, just someone of some noble rank. Just get the main character back on his…er, her feet so we can get this damn show over with!"

There was some scuffling backstage, and finally, Hotohori went flying headfirst from the wings. There were several snickers behind the curtain, accompanied by violent retching sounds as Dwarf Number Six, Barfy (aka Tasuki) continued to be extremely ill.

"You will all pay for this," Hotohori shouted back towards his comrades.

"We love you, too, no da!" No prizes for guessing who _that_ was.

The young emperor sighed. "I'm royalty. Will that work?"

"Go to it," Nakago nodded.

"I would first like to say that I'm doing this under extreme protest," he sniffed, tossing his hair and taking a moment to powder his nose. "All right, I'm ready for my moment in the spotlight!" He crossed the stage and knelt down beside the unconscious figure of his fellow Suzaku Seishi.

He took a deep breath, and gulped visibly. "Okay…here goes nothing…" He leaned down and pecked somewhere in the general vicinity of Nuriko's face. Then he jumped back and wiped his mouth on his sleeve in a decidedly undignified manner.

But the response was immediate and decisive. Nuriko jumped to his feet and threw his arms around the emperor's neck. Hotohori jumped away before the purple-haired seishi could _really_ get a good grip on him. But there was no escape.

"Hotohori-samaaaaaa, you do care!" Nuriko squealed.

"HELP!" the hapless emperor turned and fled. The main character was hot on his heels.

It was complete chaos. Nuriko was chasing Hotohori. Hotohori was running away from Nuriko. Chiriko was slapping anyone who came within arm's length of him. Miboshi had managed to kill off the first few rows of the audience. Suboshi and Amiboshi (aka Topsy and Turvy) had gotten into a dialogue from some American movie: "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!" "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!" Tasuki was still puking backstage.

"I quit!" Nakago, in a rare display of a real temper, threw the book in the air and stomped off the stage. The book landed on Nuriko's head, knocking him out again, and giving Hotohori a chance to escape. Unfortunately, they were now back at square one; the stage was empty, save for Nuriko.

Tomo, back in the audience, stood up and pranced back up onto the stage and across the stage towards the wings, where Nakago had disappeared. He called after him, "Come back, Mr. Trojan!"

**AN: **I couldn't resist. I tried, I really did, but I could not keep myself from giving Gir a cameo. For those of you who don't know, Gir is from a lost Nickelodeon piece of brilliance called _Invader Zim_. Best. Character. On. The. Show. 'Nuff said. And Gir sings the Doom Song. He's so friggin' cute!

This ended up incredibly weird, I know. But I enjoyed writing it. A reference to other anime: Kyou Sohma is from Fruits Basket. Like Tasuki, he has orange hair, red eyes, a hot temper, and a potty mouth.

Anyway, tell me what fairy tale you want to see done next! If you have requests for characters to play what parts, you can tell me that too! If I don't get any requests, I have a thought for what I might do next. But requests come first, so let me hear 'em! Thanks for reading!


	4. Cinderella

**AN: **Whee, good reviews, and lots of suggestions! I love you all! [hugs reviewers]

Okay, we had two votes for each of two stories, so I'm going to do one and then the other. Feel free to keep making suggestions, but after this chapter will be "Sleeping Beauty." At the end of that chapter, I'll probably take the votes and offer a poll or something—three options. But requests are always taken!

Anyhoo, time to butcher Cinderella. Naturally, this won't be the Grimm version! I don't own Fushigi Yuugi, nor do I own the story I am about to rip into little tiny pieces and scatter to the winds.

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**Cinderella**

Yui, taking her turn as Narrator for the Fushigi Yuugi Theatre, looked out at the audience.

They looked back warily. Having already experienced several of these plays, they were somewhat apprehensive about what today's show might bring. But the doors were locked; there was no escape.

The Seiryu no Miko smiled. "Welcome, friends. Today's show is the classic fairy tale of Cinderella. However, due to our casting, we've had to change the story just a tiny bit. So tonight, we are delighted to present to you our rendition of Cinder-fella."

The audience's eyes shifted back and forth nervously as the curtain rose.

Yui cleared her throat and began to read from the book on the podium. "Once upon a time, there was a young man. He was quite squarely under the thumb of his wicked stepmother and two evil stepsisters. They made this poor guy do all the chores and clean the house. They didn't even call him by his real name. Instead, they simply called him Cinder-fella."

Mitsukake, wearing an apron and holding a broom, sighed. "I'm calling my agent."

"The stepmother was quite an unkind person."

Miaka stormed on stage. "RAR! I'M MEAN!" She paused. "Mitsukake, I think you've got the right idea about that…"

Yui smothered laughter at Miaka's role, and continued, "And the stepsisters were very ugly girls."

Miaka snickered. "I'll say."

The two stepsisters walked onto the stage. Neither looked terribly happy or lovely.

After all, Tamahome and Tasuki were both decidedly masculine people.

"Whoever's writin' this is gonna fuckin' die," Tasuki muttered.

"Agreed," Tamahome shot back, his flowered hat falling over one eye.

The author decided that now would be a good time to move to Canada.

"They were very cruel to poor Cinder-fella," Yui went on.

Tamahome and Tasuki began poking Mitsukake. He continued to look bored.

"One day, a messenger came from the palace, announcing that there would be an official ball that evening, and that everyone in the land was invited."

Chiriko stepped out. "Hear ye, hear ye, there's a party tonight! Come dance! B.Y.O.B!" He bowed, and left to go accept his Academy Award for Most Useless Cameo in a Fanfic.

"But," Yui said sadly, "Cinder-fella's stepmother and stepsisters wouldn't let him leave."

"You can't go!" Miaka said! "We won't let you leave!"

"So they went to the party without him."

Miaka was nearly bowled over as Tasuki and Tamahome bolted from the stage.

"Cinder-fella was left alone. He felt very sad. He couldn't go to the party because he didn't have anything to wear," Yui half-sobbed at the hero's tragic plight.

Mitsukake made a concentrated effort to look unhappy. "Oh, woe to me. I can't go to the party tonight because I lack the appropriate threads. This sucks." The audience 'awwwwwed.'

"…I can't believe you just said the word 'threads,'" Yui broke character long enough to make that comment. She looked at the star questioningly.

He looked right back. "It's in the script."

"Oh, okay," she nodded and went on. "But then, someone appeared to help Cinder-fella!"

In a puff of smoke, everyone's favorite mage appeared on stage. "I'm here to save the day, no da!" Chichiri trumpeted proudly, landing in the middle of the stage. He was wearing his usual clothes with a nice sparkly pink tutu over them, and he had a pretty plastic wand in his hand.

"I already know the answer, but I feel compelled to ask anyway," Mituskake spoke. "Who the hell are you, exactly? And why are you in my house?"

"I'm your Fairy Godmother, no da!" Chichiri said.

"Chichiri," Yui whispered, gesturing for him to come closer. He did, and she whispered in his ear for a moment. He pulled away and nodded, and she said, "Okay then!"

The mage skipped back to his spot on the stage and said, "My mistake! I'm here to help you get to the party so you can meet the girl! I'm your Hairy Godfather, no da!"

Mitsukake shook his head. "How can you help me?"

"I'm going to give you the right threads, no da!" Chichiri crowed. "So you can be the most stylin' joe at the big bash tonight, no da!" Half the audience (as well as most of the readers) stared blankly, trying to figure out exactly what had just been said. "And now, I'm going to give you the most fly threads around, no da!" He raised his pretty pink wand and waved it.

In a poof, Cinder-fella's clothes changed, and he was, indeed, clad in the most fly thread around.

Mitsukake looked down at himself in surprise. "Damn, I look good!"

"Now, for those fly threads, you need a hot ride, no da!" Chichiri waved the wand again, and there was a poof offstage. The audience waited.

The healer's jaw dropped. "A convertible?!? Bright red?!? SWEET!"

The audience was suddenly very confused.

Mitsukake looked out at them and shrugged. "The author made me say it."

Everyone nodded, and the doctor ran off the stage.

"He got to the party, and it was already in full swing," Yui narrated. A bunch of Fushigi Yuugi characters ran out and started dancing as 'Who Let the Dogs Out?' started blaring loudly in the background. "When Cinder-fella arrived, he immediately attracted the attention of the entire place. Perhaps because he stood at least six inches taller and five inches wider than everyone else there."

It was true.

"And then…he saw…her. The Princess of the land," Yui intoned dramatically.

The Princess appeared on the stage.

"Unfortunately, due to demon possession, she was a little less than…eye-candy," Yui added.

Demon-Shouka sniffled miserable. "This sucks…" she whimpered. Then she noticed Mitsukake, aka Cinder-fella in the middle of the room, and her face brightened. "Hot damn!" She began chasing the hapless hero all over the room.

"And so the Princess began chasing our hapless hero all over the room!" Yui went on with the narration. "He was more than a little…um, surprised!"

"HELP ME!" Mitsukake yelped, ducking between Soi and Nakago, who were doing the Swim. Demon-Shouka was hot on his heels, hands outstretched to grab at his very stylin' threads.

"But then, the Fairy—er, Hairy Godfather appeared to remedy the situation," Yui went on, as Demon-Shouka continued to chase Mitsukake around the stage. There was a poof, and there was Chichiri, in all his tutu-ed glory, ready to save the day.

"I'm ready to save the day, no da!" he announced proudly. "I bring you magic!"

There was a little puff of smoke, and the problem was, indeed, solved.

Chichiri, the Hairy Godfather, had made a paper bag appear over Demon-Shouka's head. It had two eyeholes, and a third hole cut out for the mouth. It hid her face quite neatly.

Mitsukake blinked, then shrugged. "Eh, it'll work." Everyone stared at him, and he shrugged again. "The author made me say it. It's in the script."

Yui smiled and proclaimed the ending. "And they lived happily and stylishly ever after. The end!"

From under the paper bag came a little voice. "Again…this sucks!"

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AN: Whee, another [successful] chapter! YAY! Once I get the cast list for these finalized, they go by really fast. I'm enjoying writing them, too.

Next is going to be Sleeping Beauty—I had two requests for it last time. Feel free to keep making suggestions or requests, and I'll make a list of them. At the end of next chapter, I'll list three, and take a vote. You know the drill—I love feedback! Laters!


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